A
TTRACTION
C
ONTROL
M
ONTHLY
VOLUME 3
RENEE WADE & DAVID SHEN
!
ATTRACTION CONTROL MONTHLY Volume 3 “The 3 Contradicting Types of Love”
Attraction Control Monthly Program
Attraction Control Monthly is a monthly subscription program designed for women to learn the knowledge and skills in attracting a man for the long-term and becoming more attractive to men. As As you you probably probably know know already, already, attraction attraction is is a a very very important important element element of of life and relationships. It will determine whether you will be able to attract the man of your life, whether you will be able to keep that man, and perhaps even the difference between saving a marriage or seeing it collapse. Every month, you will be sent a new volume of Attraction Control Monthly, with brand new concepts, ideas, and exercises. So keep yourself subscribed, and learn the ideas and skills to have a passionate and exciting love life other women could only dream about.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 2
The Bad Girl Notice: Attraction Control Monthly is copyright 2012 - 2020 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part, or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book. Here is the statement on my website reprinted for your reference: "© All Rights Reserved. If you try to copy, steal, or distribute all or any part of my book or this web page without permission, I will have my attorney contact you and make you wish that you'd never had such a stupid idea in your life. Count on it. By purchasing this book, you agree to the following: You understand that the information contained on this page and in this book is an opinion, and it should be used for personal entertainment purposes only. You are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered legal or personal advice." “All the images in this series are for entertainment purposes. Extreme care has been taken to make sure credit goes to the rightful owner however that may not always be possible. If any of the images belong to you, then please contact us and we will give you the rightful credit” And I expect you to abide by these rules. I regularly and actively search the Internet for people who violate my copyrights. Now that we're finished with the bad girl notice, let's learn about how to build and maintain attraction with a man...
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 3
Contents Love, Love & *LURRRVE* .......................... 5! Ever Felt Like You’d Miss Out? ................ 10! Love but Not “In Love”............................... 16! Your Three Brains...................................... 24! Contradicting Types of Love ..................... 34! The Real Purpose of Love .......................... 45! The Physical Love ...................................... 51! The Attachment Love ................................ 61! The Romantic Love .................................... 66! What’s Most Important to You? ............... 74! What Men Want from A Woman? ............. 78! Your Idea of Love May Not Be His ........... 86! Always Seek to Understand First............. 90! Love is a Mutually Beneficial Game ......... 99! Aligning the 3 Types of Love ................. 103! Next Volume of ACM ............................... 120!
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 4
Love, Love & *LURRRVE*
Hey, it’s Renee and David here. Welcome to this volume of Attraction Control Monthly. This month, we’re going to cover a topic that is very interesting, very insightful and once you understand it, I think it will make a huge impact on your life and how you deal with men.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 5
Have you ever wondered… why is it sometimes we can love someone but we’re not actually in love with them? Why is it that love sometimes feels different over time? Or different with different people? In this volume, we will be talking about the idea that there are three types of love, not just one; but three types of love. And all of us, including you! Will experience these three different types of love. In fact, these three types of love tend to contradict each other often, and can make your life a real mess at times. You see, most of us use the word “love” too generally, we don’t tend to specify exactly what we really mean. If you were to stop 20 strangers on the street and ask them what love is to them, you’d get 20 totally different
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 6
answers. That’s because there are different types of love and different people have different interpretations of them. I remember when Renee and I were first exposed to this idea that there are actually 3 types of love, many things clicked inside of our minds, and it really helped us understand how things work in relationships, and why even some of the best-matched couples can break up. When we first 'got' this - it also became clear exactly why men might pursue you but not commit to you. It's ever so important that you get this for yourself and for your own life so that you can avoid the pain of getting involved with the wrong man. If you understood this very important idea
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 7
that we’re putting forth to you, then you are more aware and more conscious than 99% of the whole planet. You will be able to read men and their actions, and you will understand why they do some of the crazy things they do. Needless to say, this knowledge is incredibly powerful for you to have as a woman, because you can better predict and understand the actions of the men (or man) in your life. You will have the power in your own life and relationships to create the relationship that YOU really want. You will be able to experience the joy, the happiness and the passion as well as all the other nice feelings that come with a deep commitment from a man, and all of the three types of love. But on the other hand, if you fail to learn and understand why these three types of love are important in your own life, then you will
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 8
live a life of massive contradictions, you will fail to attract and keep a man for a long period of time, and you will live in internal conflict because you haven’t “sorted” yourself out yet. Not to mention all the other great opportunities that pass you by when you have these internal conflicts that arise from the 3 types of love. So our hope is for you to also learn about these 3 contradicting types of love and as a result, find it easier to discover love, fulfill your own desires and fantasies and live a life of meaning.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 9
Ever Felt Like You’d Miss Out?
I just want to ask you for a moment of complete honesty: Have you ever been in a relationship with a man, and at some point, thought to yourself....’Hm. Am I with the right man? And should I be tying myself down? Am I missing out here?” Do you BELIVE in fidelity, but at the same
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 10
time, wonder if it’s natural to us as human beings? Have you ever felt a deep love and attachment for one man, but felt a strong, physical attraction to a completely different man? Have you ever been attached to a man, but felt little to no passion for him? Have you ever flirted with a man outside of your relationship and felt guilty, but at the same time, you couldn’t help yourself? Have you or have one of your girlfriends ever had to choose between TWO men? And in making that choice, did you feel that you’d be losing something no matter WHAT decision you made? And surely, you’ve heard of married women who can’t leave their husbands, but have a variety-filled, new and exciting affair
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 11
with another man interstate or online. Have you ever worried that you’ve lost attraction for a man, and though that the relationship was inevitably going to end, even though you still love each other deeply? To make it all simple, I’ll just ask: have you ever felt like something was missing in a relationship? And you didn’t know what it was? Well, that’s what we’re going to talk to you about in this issue of Attraction Control Monthly. See, in every decision we make in life, there is an opportunity cost. You spend 6 years with one man, and you’re sacrificing youth, time, attention from other men, having children, an exciting sex life with a new and more exciting man. And in relationships there are SO many
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 12
conflicts. So many contradictions. Hell, life is FULL of contradictions. If there weren’t inherent contradictions, infidelity wouldn’t be so common among men and women all across the world, and if there weren’t so many conflicts – no men or women would have fears of committing to one partner. And as you may already know, intimate relationships magnify our fears. In other areas of our life, we have far more control. See, no matter how lazy you are, you CAN always work on yourself and get yourself to get up, go to the gym, and get fit and lose some weight. You can always control your small child’s schedule. You can control things like your child’s diet – for some time. But with a man – you really have NO control. You do have some influence over him, of course. But you won’t have full control.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 13
So, your deepest fears surface – and of course, conflicts and fears go hand-in-hand. With conflicts come fears, and with fears come conflicts. That's why we all understand the word "control freak". It's because there is so little control in life. So we grasp for the ILLUSION of control. It turns out that all the contradictions we feel in an intimate relationship and all the feelings of being unfulfilled in a relationship have an explanation. There is an explanation for infidelity, for why men and women find it hard to leave their long-term partner even if they are in love with someone new or having sex with someone new on the side – and it turns out that this obsessive love and focused attention on ONE man or woman can be explained. Well, it turns out that humans have and
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 14
experience three different types of love – all of the three types have the SAME central purpose – to make babies and of course, to actually make sure our genes are safely passed on. That doesn’t SOUND very nice – in and of itself, but it is this very primitive drive that gives us the benefits of love, attachment and passion. These three different types of love and the way our brains are wired to seek out and experience all these three types of love are the very source of our intense pleasure in intimate relationship, and are also the source of intense pain. Contradiction, anyone?
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 15
Love but Not “In Love”
Surely you’re familiar with this idea. He ‘loves’ you but he’s not ‘in love’ with you. A man stays with a woman, but ogles and still seeks out other women sexually. Maybe you’ve felt it yourself. You’re in a relationship, and you feel a deep love for him, but you’re not really “feeling it”. You’ve got that ‘something is missing’ feeling; and the best way to describe it is that you love him
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 16
but you’re not IN love with him. Has a man ever told you he loves you very much but he’s not ‘in love’ with you? It’s not a nice feeling. How can you love someone so much, yet not be IN love with them? And worse still – you can’t actually DENY the fact that you love the person – but you’re not IN love with them, so you can kind of feel guilty and uncertain about your own lack of fulfillment in the relationship. And when you are not 100% fulfilled – it feels like you are sacrificing something huge if you leave that person, because you still love them, and they still love you. EVEN if you’re not fulfilled with them! Talk about conflicts and contradictions. What’s happening really, is that this ONE part of your brain is fulfilled (the attachment
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 17
side of things), but you’re not feeling romantic love and passion.
It’s exceedingly rare to have a relationship that works out over the long-term, as we all know – and it’s also very rare for most of us to not have feelings of conflict and maybe even lose hope in relationships and men altogether. Part of our lack of fulfillment, I believe comes from our lack of awareness of how these three different types of love work.....both within ourselves, and in the mind of the men we you might date, or your partner. If you don’t understand these three different types of love, why they contradict, and how to ALIGN these three different types of love; you and whichever man you end up
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 18
with are destined for pain. It’s like with anything you’d like to achieve in life – you always have conflicts. You want a great relationship, but the things you do each day sabotage your chances of having it. You want to make a new friend out of that nice girl at your yoga class, but you are too scared that she might judge you so you don't start chatting to her at all. You want to start and run your own business, but you’re too scared or you have too much resistance to starting it and sticking with it. The last thing you want is to spend years with a man, and then be left. Or be cheated on. Even worse - the last thing you want is to date a man, hear him say how much he loves
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 19
you, and then he disappears; nowhere to be seen. It is common. And learning about these 3 types of love will help you look at the men you date, think about their actions, and consider whether he actually loves you, lusts after you, or is in love with you, or all three. It will cut the time it takes to find the right man, that's for sure. We all have just this one life. It’s incredibly important to be as aware as possible, so you can have the passion, love and happiness that you deserve. So what you really need to do – to make sure that YOU are able to attract AND keep the kind of relationship you want, is to understand the 3 contradicting types of love, why they have evolved, and then become aware of what he is feeling for you; and when/if you're in a relationship, you can align
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 20
these 3 different types of love and fulfill these parts of your man as well. I can tell you that whatever man you are with, he is going to want to experience ALL of these different types of love. You won’t have a man who won’t want to experience all of them. (Deep down inside, we all want to experience all 3 types of love, they are all a part of our nervous system.) And if he tries to communicate that he doesn’t; you have a man that is rejecting a part of himself – and that’s going to be slightly more difficult for the both of you. So it’s really important that you listen in to this volume, and really take the time to understand, and reflect, and begin to learn the three contradicting types of love. If you do the exercises we are going to give you, and if you tune in, I promise that you won’t experience the same suffering that many
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 21
other women do in their dating life or with their man. Think of famous, successful and beautiful women who have been left, or whose husbands have had affairs: Meg Ryan, Halle Berry, Elin Nordegren, Maria Shriver, Jackie Kennedy, Hilary Clinton....the list is endless. I really don’t want this to be you. And neither do I want you to feel restless enough to have an affair yourself, and hurt the one you love. I know you don't want that. This is why we have created this volume. And here’s the good news: it doesn’t HAVE to be you going through the cheating and being left. And it won’t be, if you have an understanding of the three types of love. I truly believe that the more awareness and understanding you have of what is true of human beings, the less suffering you’ll have – the better off you will be. Because
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 22
sometimes, reality sucks. But when you really take a good look at it from the perspective of how you can use reality to your advantage – you’ll really find that you have a lot more power than you think. And you’ll be able to turn those ‘inconvenient truths’ into pleasure drivers for YOU. So tune in carefully, and make some time to do the exercises David and I have given you later on in this volume.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 23
Your Three Brains
Before I go on explaining the 3 contradicting types of love, let me just quickly talk about the 3 different brains that we all possess. Even you, yes You! Believe it or not, we don’t just have one brain inside of our skull, we all have three different brains. And the problem with these three brains is
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 24
that they all have their own sets of rules, desires and fears. They can all work very well by themselves as individual, independent brains, but together, they don't always work out. It's kind of like that saying "two is company, but three is a crowd". This concept of the three brains (the triune brain theory) was originated by a very smart doctor and evolutionist named “Dr. Paul Maclean” back some 50 years ago. He was very passionate about the brain and had lectured all over the world in the areas of “Brain Evolution and Behavior”. Now, what he discovered is that we have 3 distinct brains that we call our whole brain, and these distinct brains were developed in prominent stages of our evolution and development. These 3 different brains grew on top of
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 25
each other over millions of years; just like new pavement being laid upon old roads. Which means what? Well, it means that the oldest brains we have from millions of years ago, are STILL there! The most primitive part of our brain is basically our brain stem. That's right, even the stem of our brain counts as a brain! It is otherwise known as our “lizard” brain or our reptilian brain, which we’ve mentioned briefly before. Now - lizards and reptiles are not very evolved creatures, at least compared to humans, and they are not able to have what us humans consider as “conscious thought”. (Lizards have much smaller brains in proportion and are much less evolved) So lizards and reptiles cannot make a
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 26
conscious decision to do something, they are always just reacting to the stimulus in their environment. So our lizard brain or (Proto-reptilian brain), is designed strictly for our survival and reproduction. It is where our “fight or flight” response comes from, and it controls a lot of things that we’re not “conscious” of, for example, the beating of our heart. So the lizard brain is primary focused on getting power, sex, and control, and avoiding immediate pain. The next level of brain is the mammalian brain (Paleo-Mammalian Brain - it includes the limbic system which controls your emotions and feelings). Now, mammals came into existence after reptiles were already crawling the earth but before primates began swinging from tree to tree in forests. It was a very significant stage
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 27
of evolution; because many important changes to the brain system occurred to ensure survival and reproduction. These changes ensured mammals could survive in conditions that reptiles could not; and it also gave mammals more choices in food. However, mammals have to spend time protecting and raising their young. As you probably know, when a baby lion is born, it isn’t strong enough to protect itself, and nor has it experienced enough in the world to be able to find food by itself. So the guidance and protection from his mother and father (and the pride) are essential for not only the survival of the baby lion, but also the propagation of their species. Compare that to reptiles. When a baby reptile is hatched from the egg, he needs to immediately find his own protection and food.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 28
(He is pre-programmed in his DNA on how to do that.) In fact, sometimes the baby has to hide from its own mother as the mother reptile will eat her own offspring! (I know it’s hard to imagine eating your own babies, but reptiles don’t have those emotions that you and I do! Food is still just food to them.) So in order for mammals to be able to protect their own offspring, a new layer of brain was laid on top of the lizard brain. This layer (the mammalian brain) is designed to make the mother and father feel love towards the baby; therefore allowing the mother and father to be compelled to protect it and risk their lives to fend for it. So the mammalian brain is the center of all our primitive emotions such as love, jealousy and hatred etc. In other words, mammals feel some primitive emotions, the ones that we
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 29
sometimes feel on a day to day basis. In fact, pure romantic love (attraction) comes mainly from the mammalian brain. That’s why sometimes you see cats and dogs in love and not wanting to separate from another cat or dog (yes, us humans are not the only ones to fall in love!). Here is another great example. It is know in the animal kingdom that male lions have a very interesting way of courting female lions. When a male lion is in love (when he experiences attraction and romantic love for a female lion); what the male lion does is he hunts for food, and gives it ALL to the female whilst watching her eat. In the mean time, he starves and loses a large portion of his own body weight. Now, a lizard could never do that. A lizard doesn’t come with the nervous system or the brain to be able to feel those emotions that
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 30
enable the male lion to sacrifice his own food for the female lion. And this emotion of romantic love is so strong, that mammals, and us humans can actually die from it. Think about the widely used term ‘a broken heart’. You’ve heard of people dying from a broken heart, and you’ve heard of people losing ridiculous amounts of weight after a break up; when they go in to a depression. Well, it’s true. It’s actually called broken heart syndrome, where a traumatizing incident or extreme emotional pain leads the brain to release chemicals that weaken heart tissue. Lastly, and the newest layer of brain that us humans have developed, is the neo-cortex or the cerebral cortex. This is our “thinking
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 31
brain”. This is the part of the brain that is considered by Dr. Maclean "the mother of invention and father of abstract thought". It’s our rational, logical processing center, where we as humans can make decisions, solve complex problems, learn different languages, invent new tools and come up with all new ideas to improve our chances of survival. Us humans are different to mammals in the sense that we can create and shape our own environment, whereas most other mammals cannot and are more vulnerable to the harsh effects of its environment. They have far less control than we do. Also, as human beings, our human brains help us to feel appreciation, gratitude and attachment to others. This is something that
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 32
belongs uniquely to us humans. So - just to summarize the three different brains that exist inside of you and I. The lizard brain is primarily concerned with power, sex and survival. The mammalian brain is concerned with feeling connected, feeling romantic love and avoiding rejection. The human, more evolved neo cortex is concerned with understanding concepts, learning new skills and becoming better and better in this world.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 33
Contradicting Types of Love
Here’s something very interesting that I’ve discovered over the past few years… I’ve discovered that most of us (pretty much all of us,) think we are our logical, rational brain. We think we're only the human, rational part of our brain, but what
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 34
we don't realize is that the other two parts of our brain; the lizard brain and the mammalian brain, are really what's controlling us. So we'd like to think that when we have a thought, we can just "will" our mind and body to do what we'd like and make the changes in our lives that we want; that's the illusion that we're all under. But the reality is that these old brains, that are concerned with desiring power, wanting sex, wanting to control other people, getting love and affection and approval, feeling threatened, etc, these are the things that are mostly taking control of us. These older brains have been around for much, much longer, and they often take control of our human rational brain. They make us rationalize our own actions and make us do all sorts of crazy things that we
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 35
would never even imagine. Now what's fascinating about these 3 individual brains is that each of them work very well on their own. They can do very well working just by themselves. But the problem is that they are not very well connected to each other. They can't communicate very effectively to each other. As a result, we often experience conflicts between the physical, the emotional and the logical part of our brains. So when you find yourself stuck in a situation in life where you don't know what to do and different things are pulling you in different directions, it's all because these three parts of your brain are in contradiction and they're not communicating very well between them. Have you ever really wanted to do something, and you had strong emotions and desire to do something, and another part of
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 36
your brain knows that it's not something you should be doing? For example, have you ever wanted to buy something but you felt guilty for doing so? Or eating some chocolate for that matter? Or have you started something, wanting to succeed at it – or better still, IMAGINED succeeding at something and reaching your dreams, but somewhere inside of you, you had resistance to starting it? A good example is applying for jobs. If you want a change, or you feel you deserve a better job, you KNOW you should apply and get the energy and motivation to apply, but you just never got around to doing it? So these 3 brains are where we have a lot of these conflicts and if you are able to integrate these three brains together, thereby aligning them all towards the same outcome, then you will be much more
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 37
fulfilled, and have less suffering in your relationships. Now these 3 different brains have their own “versions” of what love is. So there are 3 different types of love that come from the lizard brain, the mammalian brain and the human brain. And anthropologists have actually discovered and proven that we all have these 3 different types of love (and these types of love have been proven to exist everywhere, in every culture in the world). These are the three types of love: 1) Physical love (the sex drive, and some would call lust. The lizard brain is primarily responsible here.) 2) Romantic love (intense attraction, chemistry and being “in love”. Focused attention and energy on one partner. This is a
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 38
product of the mammalian brain.) 3) Attachment Love (certain love and attachment. The feelings of unity and certainty with a long-term partner. This is more so a product of the human brain.) You wouldn’t need me to suggest to you that romantic love is different from physical love/lust. It feels completely different. Have you ever felt that you could never do something in front of your lover or long time partner, but you could easily do it in front of a good looking stranger? This is because of these contradictions between the 3 different types of love that come from our 3 different brains. Inside all of us, at some point in time, we really desire a deeper connection with one human being. But for many of us, the thought – and of course, the REALITY of having this deep connection with one human being
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 39
means we might miss out on the passion of lust and the even more powerful drive within us that is romantic love, over time. Every relationship has polarity and passion in the beginning. Yet so many women I know are so painfully aware of the inevitable fading of romantic passion at some point that they start worrying about it way before it even begins to lower in its intensity. Romantic love fades over time – for most of us. Though it can last. Which I will get to later on. So what happens for many of us women is, we want to have a family – we want children, eventually. So marriage and commitment is important to us. Yet, when you’re married and you have children, you then take on a lot of new responsibilities, and lust and physical love is on the backburner. The reason why these three types of love
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 40
are in contradiction to one another even though they ultimately serve the same purpose (to procreate and make sure we pass on our genes and successfully raise the incredibly vulnerable human infant) – is because each of these different mating drives (the three different types of love) actually travel along different pathways in our different brains; and they travel down these paths using different biochemistry. Each of these different types of love produce different behaviors in us, and they are each associated with different neurochemicals. Romantic love – is associated primarily with dopamine and to a lesser extent, nor epinephrine and serotonin. Physical love is associated mainly with testosterone in women and men. Attachment between a man and a woman
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 41
are associated with the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. The reason why these three types of love contradict is because we can be madly in love with one person we just met and feel attachment love to another person – and also feel the sex drive (physical love) at a random time (like when you’re sitting at a desk) – or of course, for someone new. All because these three types of love are initiated by different pathways in our brain. For example, rising levels of oxytocin and vasopressin in men and women get in the way of dopamine and norepinephrine pathways in the brain, causing a dampening of the excitement that comes with high levels of dopamine. Sometimes, dopamine and norepinephrine can actually initiate the release of oxytocin and vasopressin, causing feelings of
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 42
attachment in us. Of course, the driver for physical love and lust – testosterone – can elevate levels of vasopressin and oxytocin, increasing attachment behaviors, and oxytocin and vasopressin (drivers of attachment love) can drive up levels of testosterone, triggering the feelings of lust. Think this gets a little contradictory? Yep. So do I So the overall key is to recognize that you will have these contradictions, and to always fulfill each part of your brain, and fulfill each part of you that hungers for a different type of love, so that you are fulfilled. It’s the same with success in anything. The most successful people in the world in any area – whether it be in sports, in business, in relationships or in social situations – are the ones who have managed their own
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 43
contradictions. This is the challenge of being a human being; but it is incredibly rewarding. This is why we have come up with a method for you of aligning the three types of love, so that you can experience the fulfillment and happiness we know you can feel.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 44
The Real Purpose of Love
Each different type of love we experience has its own purpose. So you cannot ignore one, or two or all of them. Each part of us, and each drive and desire within each one of us must be acknowledged, even though they contradict each other.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 45
Researchers have made some interesting discoveries with regards to feelings of love in recent years. The feelings of love – each different type of love, can, to an extent, be put down to a science. Each of the brain systems that is responsible for these three different types of love are responsible for initiating a different aspect of reproductive drive in humans. Physical love evolved to compel us to seek out sexual gratification with any partner that is reasonably appropriate. Romantic love evolved so that us humans could focus our valuable mating energy intensely on just one preferred partner – this way, mating energy is conserved and our chances of raising offspring is increased. As Helen Fisher (Anthropologist) says in her book 'Why We Love' - Attachment love evolved to allow us to remain in union with
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 46
this one chosen mate at least long enough to raise a small human child together. As we know, human babies take the longest and most energy to raise compared to any other animal in the animal kingdom. (Part of the reason for that is because we are so evolved.) Even though these three different types of love and caused and nurtured by different paths in the human brain, they can (as you’ve probably already guessed) occur together, and overlap. This is exactly what we want, and what I want you to achieve in your own life. When these 3 different types of love are aligned, then there will be no doubt in your mind that you’re at the right place in your love life. You will no longer feel like you’re missing out. You will no longer feel like you’re missing something. Intense romantic love brings with it lust
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 47
and desire as well as (if not immediately then eventually) – long-term attachment. However, since most people are so unaware of why they do what they do (and nor do they care to truly understand why – let alone change their behaviors for the better) – for most people, these three different types of love serve as a hugely disastrous part of human life – what with all the unfulfilled and wild contradictions most people have. I know I stated above that you can feel these three different types of love at different times and for different people – however, it doesn’t have to be that fickle. Yet, the primary PURPOSE and GOAL of all these three types of love combined – is to drive us to seek out a variety of sexual partners, and then focus our mating attention on one beloved, and then to
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 48
motivate us to stay with this single chosen one long enough to raise a child through the early years of its life. It is this attachment love that also helps us tolerate a partner when things get hard (which they inevitably do for most at some point, since men and women are so opposite). So just for the record, if you have ever wondered whether monogamy is natural – yes, it is most definitely natural. You cannot be IN love with more than one person at a time. Romantic love involves focused attention on one partner – the human child is far too vulnerable for humans to always be running around seeking out new mating opportunities without any attachment to one partner, unlike most other baby mammals. Romantic love does exist within the world of mammals and birds too – but just for a shorter period. It doesn’t always last as long
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 49
as it does in the human world. Just because monogamy is natural, does not mean men and women are always faithful to their partners, and it does not mean sleeping around is UNNATURAL. It’s just that monogamy is a mating strategy that has been designed by nature, and it is a part of our human reproductive practice to engage in pair bonding (monogamy). At least for a time – namely, long enough to raise a child together with one person.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 50
The Physical Love
Physical love or lust is not the same feeling as romantic love. Physical love is all about immediate gratification. It is all about sex, and the more, the better. Because the lizard brain inside of all of us knows that as a lizard, the more sex you have, the more chances of you
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 51
propagating your genetic information. Your body initiates this desire for physical love primarily through the hormone testosterone. And this is why more men (than women) are more happy to just look for sex and live in that feeling of lust. In fact, certain research even shows that the more testosterone a man has, the more he is likely to be unfaithful in a relationship. And what was really interesting was that when the scientists injected a group of women with testosterone, they too become much hungrier for sex and lust and became less faithful in their own relationships. However, most of society has taught us that lust is a sin and should not be experienced. So as a result, a lot of us cover it up, and a part of us feel dead inside. At the same time, physical love can be very cheap. Go down to the red light district
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 52
of any city, and you realize how cheap it is. It can be traded for money. So physical love and lust may sometimes not be worth very much in a world where sex is literally everywhere, but at the same time, if you are not experiencing this energy, then you will feel like you’re missing out on something. Everywhere in the world, and throughout history, men and women will die for romantic love, kill for love (mainly men do this), and the deep, passionate emotion that accompanies romantic love (deep attraction) is something that has been written about for centuries. People sing for love and when one is passionately in love, it’s harder to sleep, it’s harder to eat, it’s hard to think about much else other than this one person. They take over your brain. Literally.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 53
When falling in love, men and women spend hours upon hours exchanging words, engaging in conversation, wooing tactics and playful courtship. But physical love is something different. Physical love and sexual desire is something that can be felt unpredictably and for a variety of different individuals. This feeling of lust could be felt for many individuals at the same time. No man would lose much sleep over just physical love. If a man or woman is merely sleeping with somebody and not in love with them – we’re not so concerned about whether they sleep with somebody else. We’re not so “jealous” as we would be if we were in romantic love. Feelings of lust don’t produce those intense emotional feelings of possessiveness, obsession, jealousy, focused attention and
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 54
longing that romantic love does. A man who is in LUST – won’t exhibit the intense longing, and focus, and energy on you as he would with a woman he is in love with. Now – some people often do question whether they are in love or in LUST – and this is justified, because obviously, when one is madly in love, they naturally feel a desire to make love to that person. The very purpose of romantic love wouldn’t be lived out if it wasn’t also accompanied by lust. So we can get a little confused by ourselves. The scientific reason why being in love is also accompanied by lust is because dopamine, the largest driver of romantic love, can trigger the release of testosterone which is responsible for sexual desire. But in all honesty – there is a clear,
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 55
distinct difference between being in love and merely being in lust. The reason it’s important to learn about this because (even though this may not be you personally) – a lot of women out there idealize a man’s feelings for them – thinking that he’s in love with her – when really, he’s only in lust. And you know what? A man's actions can get very confusing like this, so the idealization of a man's actions are justified because whether a man wants sex or is in love, he comes on very strong in both situations. Yet - the actions of a man who is in love are actually different from what his actions would be if he was merely in lust. As a woman, you need to remember and remind yourself that you shouldn’t just take ‘romantic love’ for granted in a man. Just
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 56
because he lusts after you doesn’t mean he is IN LOVE with you. Don’t trick yourself like most women do. Help him feel what he really needs to feel (rather than just fulfilling his desire for sex, which may be what he WANTS, but not what he NEEDS) – you need to know how to give your man the gift of always being in love with you – rather than just wanting to have sex with you. A lot of women think that giving a man sex makes her an awesome catch. They think that by having sex with a man and being a wild kitten in bed will incite a man’s worship. This is far from the truth. And the interesting thing is that those women who think that giving a man sex can arouse a man’s worship can often perhaps verbally articulate that they KNOW giving a man sex won’t make him fall in love – but
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 57
they act otherwise. Being a wild kitten in bed has enormous value in a relationship – but ONLY if that man is already falling in love with you, or is committed to you. By all means – if you as a woman just want to have casual sex and you don’t care about romantic love with a particular man (and don’t have much of an interest in him beyond sex) – this may not be of concern to you. But when you really like or love a man, it is imperative that you are aware of how these three types of love work and how to trigger as well as maintain romantic love and attraction. It’s important that you know what to do to add more attraction and passion in to the relationship (I’ll get to that in a minute), rather than falling in to the ‘imaginary relationship’ trap that so many women today
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 58
are falling in to unknowingly. When I say ‘imaginary relationship’ trap, I mean that women have made up the idea of a relationship in their heads, because they feel so lonely inside and are willing to settle for anything that they perceive could have relationship potential – while the man is oblivious to this and is only really interested in her as a companion (a kind word for f*** buddy). Now just to give you a better idea, here are some examples of people who value the physical love in life. Think of rock stars and the groups of sleazy women who follow these rock stars. (Interestingly, people who value the physical love also values taking drugs and risk taking behavior, because these are all instant gratification pathways) Think of men and women who love one
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 59
night stands or love to have many f*** buddies. Think of girls who party all night with no regards of the consequences day in day out. Unfortunately here are the downside of valuing physical love first and foremost. Men will come and go, friends will also come and go. And if you only ever value the physical love, you will eventually end up alone, by yourself with no one around you.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 60
The Attachment Love
The attachment love makes us feel like we belong somewhere, that we have a real companion by our side. It makes us feel like we won’t be alone in this world and makes us feel safe. Above I mentioned that attachment love is driven by oxytocin and serotonin. Interestingly, you may have read before that
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 61
during and after sex, oxytocin levels increase in both men and women, creating a feeling of attachment. However, oxytocin levels increase far more for women than for men, and for a MAN - oxytocin levels increase far more during orgasm. Yet, after sex and orgasm, a man’s oxytocin levels return to their normal levels (which is far lower than a woman’s), but oxytocin levels remain heightened in a woman consistently for a while after sex (this can be weeks or more!) Attachment love is something that women value greatly – and it’s something that is necessary for a relationship to last well in to the future. Yet, on a basic level, attachment love is far more important to women in general than it is to men. This could explain why women are so needy of commitment from a man,
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 62
whereas men aren’t as concerned about it. Yet, of course, if you know my work, you know I don’t like to put everything down to a science. A lot of what a man values in a relationship will not just be based on his levels of testosterone and oxytocin ALONE – but will be based upon his own values, beliefs, and his blueprint (his own expectations and ideas) of how a relationship should be. Thus, although many men see attachment as incredibly important for a relationship and downplay the importance of romantic love or lust – it is also your job as a woman to remember that a man’s biochemistry naturally dictates that if there is an abundance of attachment love, but there is no romantic love and attraction – then he’s more likely to be unfulfilled, he’s more likely to cheat, and overall, there’s more likely to be pain for both of you.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 63
So here are a few examples of attachment love in real life. (They are everywhere, you’d spot them.) Picture a couple who would never leave each other, almost always trying to do things together, even if one of them treats the other like dirt. They would never leave each other because there’s so much attachment to each other. In fact, lots of people in our society have attachment love to their pets and the “things” around them. They have that strong bond that makes them feel sad if their pet is gone. Attachment love is there and shows up when you have to throw away that beautiful rug that you’ve owned for 15 years, and you’ve become emotionally “attached” to it. Of course a certain level of attachment love is important in an intimate relationship, because that gives another dimension to the
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 64
relationship bubble and offers each other companionship at a very base level. But attachment love isn’t always exciting; it isn’t fireworks going off every moment. So again, I’m going to remind you of the importance of romantic love (attraction).
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 65
The Romantic Love
Romantic love (intense attraction) is what lights all of us up no matter how depressed we’ve been or how lost we are in the ebb and flow of life. It makes us fall in love and puts a dreamy smile on our faces all day long. It makes us talk and talk and gush with
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 66
words of admiration for our beloved. It literally hi-jacks your brain and makes you do things you could and would never even imagine. It makes you want to sing, it makes you want to celebrate for no particular reason. In fact, romantic love fills your life with a fire, a sense of excitement that is similar to if you were about to bungee jump, or sky dive . Romantic love is driven by dopamine in your brain, and dopamine is the “excitement” chemical inside your brain. And one of the reasons why there is so much excitement around romantic love is because it is a drawn out process that grows at every stage. It isn’t an immediate gratification event like the physical love, and it doesn’t take years like the attachment love. There’s anticipation around every single
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 67
corner. So a very important thing to remember is that to create romantic love, there has to be some sort of courtship. You have to actively play the courting game, flirt and turn on your “mating dance”. Romantic love is far more powerful a force in human beings than the physical love. People kill for romantic love. For men, possessiveness is something that comes with the feeling of romantic love. Possessiveness can trigger actions such as stalking and violent crime in men. In a study on American college students, 34% of women reported that they had been followed or harassed by a man they had rejected. 32% of all female murder victims in United States die at the hands of an ex lover, a
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 68
current lover, boyfriends and husbands. However, many experts believe the statistic is likely to be far higher than 32%. More like 50%-70%. In fact, it is estimated that at least 32% of violent crime against women by men in the United States (crimes such as stalking and murder) are caused by a man who is motivated by the obsession of having been rejected by a woman or being cheated on by a woman they felt intense attraction for or fell in love with. Now, of course, you don’t really want to be stalked, and I don’t think you really want to be killed either. The statistics are there to show you just how powerful the force of romantic love really is. It moves us in ways we aren’t normally moved.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 69
Just lust or just attachment is not enough to inject passion and aliveness in to a relationship and to arouse a man’s worship for you. If you, as a woman, do not learn how to incite attraction and feelings of romantic love with a man – you’re going to miss out. But here’s the problem with romantic love. It takes a LOT of energy to create it and maintain it. When you’re excited, it actually burns a lot more energy and calories than if you were just doing your normal day to day thing. Here’s the other downside to romantic love. It really takes a toll on the rest of your life. You will sometimes find it hard to work, hard to do anything and focus on anything. If you run a business, you may find yourself making less intelligent choices, (or more risky choices), only because you’re
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 70
brain is hi-jacked by romantic love. And this is also why romantic love does not last for most people – not just because they don’t know the skills to making it last but because of how nature has designed the courting game for us to maximize the chance of passing on our genes and keeping the species alive - is such that when you fall in love, you likely copulate and then you have to rear your children. It’s harder to rear healthy children when you’re madly in love with someone. That valuable energy you exerted during the courtship process is preferred (by nature) transferred over to child-rearing. So, as I previously mentioned, attachment love evolved so that we could actually stay together long enough with one partner and rear small children.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 71
So, for many people, even though they were in love at the beginning, when attachment love kicks in, it changes our human behavior such that we really don’t do or act the way we did when we were courting. This doesn’t help to maintain romantic love. But here’s the good news: when researchers scanned the brains of several couples who report that they had been married for 20 years or more and were STILL in love, they found that these couples were not lying. They actually WERE still in love with their ‘one’ – and they even tested higher on romantic passion for one another than some couples who were only married for 5 years did. Theirs is always hope, and there is always
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 72
magic. Of course, I’m sure you can think of many examples of romantic love. It is very much written about in books, novels, poems, movies and other stories. Think of Romeo and Juliet. Think of the movie Titanic, The Notebook, Pearl Harbor, Serendipity….the list goes on and on. You can’t miss it - romantic love is the strongest love of them all, and as Noah (from the Notebook) would say “…the best type of love is one that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds”.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 73
What’s Most Important to You?
We are not here to tell you which type of love you should value the most. You will have to make that decision for yourself. We just wanted to give you a zoomed out perspective on what tends to happen if you value one type of love over another. If you value physical love as number 1 all
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 74
the time, then you will eventually be alone, by yourself, with hardly any friends. Think about those people who run around sleeping with all different people and their conquests just end up hurt and hating them. A good example of this is Katy Perry’s husband, Russell Brand. In an interview once, the host was asking him about his promiscuous pat and how he had now settled down with Katy Perry and decided to choose monogamy. He actually said: “of course, it would be nice to go around sleeping with lots and lots and lots and lots of different women, but of course, you can’t do that because people get upset; so I have no choice really.” Hm. Quite a selfish set of values to have, isn’t it? If you value attachment love as number 1
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 75
all the time, then your life will become safe but also boring. You wouldn’t have that spark to light a fire in your own life. (Personally I don’t think that’s how you should have a relationship) And if you value romantic love as number 1, then you will have excitement and passion in your life, but it requires a lot of energy and a lot of resources. That is the trade off. I remember when Renee and I first met; I had some money saved up in my bank account. And after we’d been seeing each other for a couple of months, I had gone from having quite some savings to being in debt. Romantic love is always a trade-off. But you get better and better at having it in your life once you know how to trigger it in your relationship. So just for a moment, think about what the most important type of love is for you? What
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 76
do you value the most? What have you valued the most in the past? And really, just for a moment; reflect on how valuing that type of love has shaped your life and your relationships. You see, our whole aim is for you to experience all three types of love and have them not contradict each other. And to do that we have to find a balance between these three types of love and align them together so we can experience all three types of love.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 77
What Men Want from A Woman?
This all brings me to a memory I have of a recent conversation I had with David. We were having dinner at a nice Thai restaurant, and we launched in to a conversation. We were talking about the three types of love, and David said to me: “I believe that romantic love is the most important to have in any relationship. What do you think? Do you agree?”
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 78
And of course, I paused to think. And I felt him waiting patiently and inquisitively for my response. I was honestly tempted to say that they were all equally important. After all, as a woman, attachment is incredibly important to me! Attachment love to ME (on a primal level) means commitment, safety, security security that I will be provided for, security that my man won’t leave me; security that my children will have a daddy that sticks around, etc. So as I was thinking, David interjected, saying: “it’s most important because it’s the most rare. Attachment is everywhere. Couples everywhere stay together because of habit, and because it’s harder to leave than to stay.” And looking at it from an objective standpoint, I concluded that romantic love IS
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 79
the most important love to manifest and maintain in your relationship. It is my honest belief that romantic love is the most valuable type of love to have in your relationship. If you have that; attachment and lust will also come. But even more important is that you as a woman understand and appreciate that romantic love is the most important type of love a man needs to feel in order to commit to you, and of course, above all, to be fulfilled himself. So, through my own research, I’ve come to a conclusion about what men really want (and need) from you as a woman which is what we have been saying in Attraction Control Monthly from the beginning. Here’s the secret: remember how I mentioned above that dopamine can trigger
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 80
testosterone? You probably already know by now that it’s so important for you as a woman to make a man feel like a man by being with you. I mean, being in romantic love actually makes a man feel like a man – take for example the high number of men who fall in love with the damsel in distress. Throughout history, men have developed as a part of their DNA, a drive to take care of women. Really, where would they be without women? Women carry the valuable eggs that help him send his genes in to the future. Just sex will never make a man really feel like a man with you. It may on a surface level, but he is not COMPELLED emotionally and physically to be with you in the way a man who is in love would be. If he doesn’t feel like a man, you don’t have
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 81
a relationship. You don’t have a man you can respect, and he will, over time go to other sources to feel like a man. He’ll go to his work, he’ll get addicted to porn or feel emasculated, or he’ll have an affair. Of course, testosterone levels are associated with masculinity – men have much higher levels of testosterone than women do. And testosterone levels, are of course closely related to how manly a man naturally feels. This includes when he is with you. So, while sex is extremely important, I believe the most important thing for you to do as a woman if you want a man to be in love with you and feel irresistibly attracted to you - is to work on creating an environment that fosters romantic love, and drives up dopamine levels in a man’s brain (as well as yours) because dopamine is primarily
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 82
responsible for the drive of romantic love and with romantic love comes physical love – the love that is triggered by testosterone. This is why romantic love is perceived as so valuable to men. Think about it: as a woman, attachment love is important to us: we need our oxytocin in order to form bonds and to spend years looking at our young, raising them and forming the powerful motherly bond. We also needed it as gatherers throughout history, to connect to other women and build trust with other gatherers and loving friendships. When a woman is pregnant, or when she has a child, her oxytocin levels soar. They have to, in order for there to be a strong bond between mother and child. Men have higher levels of oxytocin too, when a new baby is about to enter the family, but it’s about 1/8th
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 83
to 1/10th of the levels that his woman has. For a man – oxytocin and attachment love is always nice. Attachment love is a wonderful, important thing. It’s just not the first thing that’s going to make a man feel like he wants to step up and commit to you, because there’s no polarity and attraction in attachment love. So – although attachment love is important to you as a woman – it is important for you to acknowledge that for a man to feel like he’s getting value from the relationship, you need to build romantic love and attraction. This way, you will get to that loving and lasting relationship faster. Remember: romantic love and attraction triggers testosterone which is the driver of the physical love. And I have to also remind you of
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 84
something: don’t make the mistake of just getting a man to fall in love with YOU, now you know all the tools. Your lizard brain may like the feeling and the image of having a man (or lots of men) in love for you, to fulfill your own need for significance. However, it’s EQUALLY as important to make sure YOU feel romantic love. Otherwise, you’re going to end up hurt and burnt. A man doesn’t want to be with you if he is the only one in love and you don’t care. Eventually, he will just resent you. So, don’t go around abusing this knowledge. Use it on a man you genuinely care about.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 85
Your Idea of Love May Not Be His
With all the conflicts that we have as women, and that men have – there’s always another point to keep in mind: that’s the issue of different perceptions of what love really is. This is especially true when you look at things from a man’s perspective, and then look at things from a woman’s perspective.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 86
In my quest to learn more about these three types of love, and how us women can fulfill ourselves and our men better, I suspected that women probably (at least subconsciously) value attachment love more than men do. Not that men do not value attachment love – just that perceived VALUE of the type of love present in the relationship (ie: in this case, attachment love) is higher for a woman than for a man. In fact, the higher the levels of testosterone in a man, generally, the later he marries, and the more adulterous affairs he has. Generally, increasing levels of testosterone drive down feelings of attachment. In my research, I was not surprised that I came across several studies that stated that
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 87
women produce more oxytocin than men do. This made light bulbs go off in my head. It was a huge ‘ah-hah’ moment for me. In women, the hypothalamus secretes higher levels of oxytocin than in men. And oxytocin is a hormone that decreases anxiety, and causes feelings of contentment and calmness. Studies have also shown that oxytocin is correlated with feelings of bonding to another human being – increased levels of trust and decreased levels of fear. Remember back to the first volume of Attraction Control Monthly – where we talked about commonalities and differences? And how it’s your differences that create attraction and it’s your similarities or commonalities that create friendship/ bonding/ attachment?
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 88
Well, that’s why it is so important to mix things up in your relationship and avoid the same old routines and habits. Work out which type of love your partner values the most, and what his ideas are of experiencing that type of love. In other words, you have to learn and discover your own partner, your own man. You have to take the time to observe and appreciate his habits and values. And certainly don’t criticize or judge, it’s not about making him wrong for what he’s doing. It’s about appreciating his own mental blueprint of how things are.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 89
Always Seek to Understand First
Before you can do anything to improve your own relationship, you have to understand what is going on with it first. And once you understand, you can start to implement certain actions that will get you your desired result. A lot of people blindly use tools to get a result. This is the lizard brain being impatient, wanting to get what it wants faster than it deserves it.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 90
But I know you’re smarter than that. We have aimed to give you a deeper understanding in ACM, but you need to really put yourself in your man’s shoes so that you can see life from his eyes, and really understand and anticipate what he might need. This is a commitment you need to make yourself. It sounds effortful, I know, and I’ve thought the same thing. But the great news is that when you do this on a consistent basis, and you make it your standard (to put yourself in his shoes), you will experience rewards and bliss and admiration and love and passion well beyond your wildest dreams. So before you jump ahead and check out our tools for maintaining romantic love, just take a moment to think about your current relationship, or a past relationship if you are
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 91
currently single. Use an ex love for these exercises if you don’t have a spouse. Which type of love has been the most prevalent in your past relationships? _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ Really be honest with yourself here. You don’t want to answer in a way that is untruthful just to avoid feeling guilty about the past. Which type of love have you valued more than any other type of love? Why? If it was attachment love, was it because you wanted to feel certain? If it was romantic love, was it because you valued excitement more than
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 92
anything else? Answer below: _________________________________________ _________________________________________ What has the effect on your relationship been, as a result of valuing that type of love first? _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ Which type of love do you think you need to value more than any other type to fulfill yourself and your man in the future? Why? _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 93
_________________________________________ _________________________________________ Rate from 1 to 3 (I being highest, 3 being lowest) which types of love you believe is most important for you to value and have in your ideal relationship. _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ What do you need to do in the future to make sure that both you and your man are both fulfilled in these 3 types of love? For example, do you need to stop valuing certain love and start valuing uncertain love (variety), in order to build romantic passion in the relationship? List down at least 2 actions steps below:
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 94
_________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ Now, before we get in to the juicy strategies and tools, I have a few words to say. I know that ‘strategies’ and ‘tools’ can sometimes feel like manipulation, and can seem inauthentic. And they are – but only in a certain context. A lot of people use strategies and ‘tools’ from a place of desperation. They have nothing internally; so they try and fill themselves up externally. Basically, they try to ‘get’ something from a man because they feel they have nothing inside. The tools and strategies I give you will always be tools that benefit both you AND the
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 95
man. The general rule that applies here if you want a man to be IN LOVE with you rather than just lusting after you or feeling that “meh”, “in-between” not-that-passionate feeling for you, is to use the tools I am about to give you for maintaining romantic love and attraction from a place of pride and confidence. From a place like this – men won’t be able to help but feel attracted to you. Nobody wants to be with an insecure, boring woman who uses “tools” JUST to keep her head above water. You know, sometimes, some women are so empty inside that they look they’re going to collapse any minute? They don’t really understand men, and nor do they feel confident that they have value to give. So their energy smacks of desperation. Tools and strategies work if you know they will benefit you both.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 96
A lot of dating and relationship experts will give you weird tools and strategies (which often INFURIATE me by the way) that are used to produce a reaction in a man......BUT.....the strategies don’t actually fulfill the man’s needs very much. And the worst thing is – most tools don’t necessarily benefit the relationship overall, and don’t add to the passion and attraction in a relationship. Surface tools will only work so much. But now you have an understanding of human psychology and how love works, you are in a far better position than 99% of people to make your relationship authentically passionate and lasting. And, I will add that by now, you’re pretty much ready to go out there and make a relationship work with ANY man you want. Just remember, your feminine attraction
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 97
triggers are absolutely invaluable when it comes to creating attraction with any man you want – and for increasing dopamine levels in men – and all those juicy emotions in a man such as anticipation, excitement and mystery. So don’t forget, you as a woman are already powerful beyond measure, you just have to tap into some of your own innate resources!
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 98
Love is a Mutually Beneficial Game
I know, I know, you probably don’t want to see this as “just” a game! I totally understand! The emotions that come up in your love life and my love life makes it seem SO much more than just a game. But because of that, we get blinded. We forget to see the whole picture. So just stay with me for a moment and if you can’t accept love to be just a game, then
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 99
pretend that it is for a moment! You can always go back to what you used to believe in. But the honest truth is, love is a game, it’s nature’s game. It’s not always fancy, nor is it always fair. And we have to learn to love it. It’s a game you have to keep playing and having fun with forever, until the day you die. So when you read through my tips and tools, remember to be playful and have fun with it. As humans – we are far more developed than mammals. Yet, over time, so many of us have totally lost touch with our own senses and what works with the opposite sex. Other mammals in the animal kingdom often know these things instinctively and act upon them. And it gets them the desired result they want in the mating world. The benefit of being human is that we can logically know what works – and use it to
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 100
enhance the quality of our dating life and relationship. If you do a certain thing to increase romantic love in the relationship, always do it from a playful and loving place. Don’t do it just to GET something from a man. Don’t do it because you’re so scared that you have no other options other than him. You have plenty of options. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, what you look like, how tall you are, what size you are. There are always plenty of options for you. Men everywhere are waiting to be with you. They are waiting to take in your feminine energy, your energy of life. So give playfulness to yourself. Do it from a place of pride – a place where you know what you’re doing is benefitting both of you and adding more and more and
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 101
more to the attraction and passion in the relationship. Love is a playful game – not a game of manipulation and trickery – tools used to hurt others. Love games are good when they increase the passion, anticipation and excitement in a relationship.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 102
Aligning the 3 Types of Love
We’ve mentioned before that you won’t actually be fully alive and fully fulfilled if you don’t experience ALL three different types of love. Always remember that. As much as you may like a certain ‘stage’ in your relationship where one type of love exceeds all the others; your brain will still want to experience all three types soon enough.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 103
The key here is to align all of them so they do not contradict each other, and so that your relationship doesn’t become one-dimensional, unfulfilling and boring. It isn’t always easy to balance these three different types of love, so we have to be smart about it and go ahead strategically. Now as you may know, I value romantic love more than physical love and attachment love. The reason I believe is that once you have romantic love, the other two tend to also come in to the picture. But if you just have the other two, romantic love doesn’t necessarily show up. In fact, I value it so much that I (well, David and I) refuse to live together. We did live together for 3 and a half years, and we still managed to keep the flame alive, but everything is far more stimulating and exciting when we don’t live together.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 104
Barriers and time apart increase feelings of romantic passion and increase dopamine in the brain. It’s not about ‘forcing’ things to happen, it’s about valuing each other enough to do what’s uncomfortable, and uncertain. So, David might stay over a couple of nights in the week, but he has his own place that he goes back to, and I have mine. Some people might think that is a bit extreme, especially now we are engaged to be married – and our decision to live apart will not change once we are married, and once we have children. Remember romantic love is the hardest one to achieve and therefore more valuable in my opinion. For many people, they are so lacking in energy to start with that they don’t even
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 105
have the resources within themselves to be in love longer than a few months. Being in love and being passionate at all, requires energy, and PRESENCE. You have to be present with life. But it still doesn’t stop the average person from craving the feelings of romantic love, even though for most people in this society, the things they do every day – whether that be in their relationship or whether that be just in their own life and to themselves, and destroying their chances of being in love. It is reported by experts who have studied the three types of love, that many people actually subconsciously engage in casual sex to try to initiate the feeling of romantic love. So how do we go about aligning these 3 different types of love? I think the best way is to create a solid
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 106
base or solid foundation first, and then teach you some strategies to get to that feeling of romantic love in your relationship. I believe you should develop a base level of attachment love by having commonalities to create a sense of connection. I think this base will serve as a safety net. Just in case sometimes things go wrong in a relationship, at least you have that sense of friendship so that things don’t completely collapse.
And the way you create this base level of attachment is to share commonalities between you and your man. I mean sharing your experiences, your dreams, your stories, and whatever lies in common between you two will establish a
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 107
sense of attachment. One of the ways that I teach women in some of my other programs is to find “uncommon commonalities”. What this means is to find things you have in common with your partner that is otherwise “uncommon”. For example, both of you like pickle sandwiches, or both of you like a certain unpopular author, or both of you have the same kind of weird habits like brushing your teeth after lunch. These uncommon commonalities help you to create this sense of attachment that creates the base that we need to establish for the other types of love to really be present in your relationship. The next level you have to create is the physical love level.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 108
To experience the physical type of love, it’s more an exercise of letting yourself go and losing your inhibitions than anything else. In my own life, I find that feeling passionate and experiencing a high sex drive is really just about being present so that I can feel my man’s polarity. See, in the beginning, we feel all the polarity and the sex drive because it’s all new and exciting. Over time, however, we forget. We forget how to get back in to that state when we become comfortable and attachment love takes over. I don’t have to teach you how to be physical with a man, but the key point here is
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 109
to let your instinctive desires really come through instead of having to tone down all your deep desires and fantasies and controlling everything you do. Most women (and people in general) have gotten really good at toning down the natural animal instincts. And in many ways, we have to in order to fit in and survive in this society. If you display too much desire and instinctive drive, people start to dislike you. In fact, as a woman, if you’re merely just attractive and flaunt your reproductive value in the slightest, you can attract animosity and hatred in other women, right? I know you have experienced this. Women are often the nastiest and most horrible to other attractive women. But you have to let yourself go and fully experience your own desires and let your
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 110
own reproductive value shine through. In order to experience your full self, you will have to learn to let go of all your inhibitions that you have built up probably throughout your entire life. Most of us women have learnt that sex is bad or ‘dirty’ or even enjoying yourself is a terrible thing and you should be condemned. (Funny; the women who preach that are always miserable themselves). So the whole point here is to unleash your own inner sex kitten and just let yourself be wild. Not all the time, but certain times. Of course you don’t want to be wild all the time, that’s called inappropriate. But you at least want the ability to tap into that wild sex kitten when the time is right. Now at the top of the pyramid is romantic
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 111
love. This is something that will take you the most effort and energy long term, but it will also the most rewarding and the most exciting. When you’ve established some sort of connection in your relationship, and you know that the physical love is there and not held back, then romantic love has the best probability of showing up.
And once you can tap in to your own feelings of desire and also bring out your own
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 112
feminine energy (which we talked about in the last volume of ACM), you will have all the resources to build romantic love and attraction with a man. Remember, romantic love is all about the process of courting. So you have to practice your mating dance, and learn to flirt with men. Romantic love is all about building tension and anticipation. They are the fuel. So here we are some strategies for creating and maintaining romantic love and attraction: 1) Allow time and space between you two being together. The reason is because, when you delay a reward, the longer dopamine cells remain in activity in the brain – which sends more dopamine into the reward centers of the brain.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 113
Have you ever wanted something really bad – like a meal you made for yourself, or an ice cream, but you told yourself ‘No, I’ll wait til later.’ – this is the part of you that is subconsciously trying to delay the delivery of the reward so that the entire experience will be better and more exciting and fulfilling. This is a very smart part of you, so respect it and hold on to it. This makes you feel more excited for longer, and helps to drive the romantic love feeling deeper inside your body. 2) Unlike oxytocin which help us feel safe, calm, relaxed, serene and trusting – dopamine is a chemical that is highly active in our brains when we are doing things that are UNCERTAIN. For example – going on a rollercoaster, going on vacation, and just doing new and novel things. So you want to make a point of
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 114
doing novel things together with a man, to create an environment for romantic love to foster and grow. 3) Inject variety wherever you can. It could be planning different meals and foods, checking out new places, making new friends together, or it could be trying something new in the bedroom. 4) Maintain mystery in your lifestyle. Don’t let him in on every little detail about your feminine world. Don’t always spend 24/7 together for months on end. 5) One of the best ways to maintain romantic love is to become an exciting person yourself. Always grow, evolve, learn new things – and really value and appreciate how important it is for you to actively do and learn new things yourself, to allow yourself to grow so that you can bring more to your intimate relationship.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 115
Don’t just settle for what you have now. You need to have the kind of lifestyle that drives up your own dopamine levels. This is extremely important. Aside from that – it’s important to always develop and nurture your own feminine energy. Your feminine and sexual energy and openness will attract a man to you, rather than push him away. Develop all the parts of your feminine energy, light and dark. I talk a lot about dark and light feminine energy in our program Commitment Control, but for now, just know that you need to develop the naughty and nice parts of yourself to just BE an exciting woman. Here is your action plan for having a man fall in love and stay in love with you. Do these things right now:
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 116
1) If you are already using your 17 attraction triggers, great. If you are not: make a point to use at least 2 of them daily. Don’t always just launch in to sex for the sake of it. Tease him with the triggers. This builds excitement and anticipation, spurring more dopamine in to the reward centers of his brain. 2) Break ONE established habit or routine you both have together that is not serving you. The kind of habit I am referring to is the kind of habit that creates more of an environment for friendship to foster, and for comfort to occur, rather than for passion to increase. Here’s an example: say you typically make dinner for a man, and you guys chat about work and your day at the dinner table. Today, instead of chatting about your day – just look
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 117
at him across the dinner table with a different energy – just remain present with him, but you don’t have to keep talking about your daily activities or about work. Another example could be: if you’re just dating a man, say you guys like to curl up on your couch watching a movie. Instead of doing that, suggest going to a salsa class together, to a nice bar where the new environment and music injects excitement in to your body, or the cinema, or to a restaurant for brunch. Use your imagination here. The sky is the limit! 3) Take action right NOW to do, or learn something new, and drive up your own level of excitement in your life so that you can create more dopamine within yourself. Book an exciting adventure for yourself, like a new dance course, or an all women’s weekend away for yoga and/or meditation.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 118
Keep yourself stimulated, rather than slipping in to boredom – or slipping in to the trap of not growing. If you are not growing, you are dying. Period. If you really want to maintain romantic love and avoid slipping in to the ‘friends’ zone for years and years with a man, remember that the conventional advice people give, such as communicate with your partner, built trust, and respect each other – is advice that is more useful for maintaining attachment love. In fact, I don’t like the advice of “communicate” anyway, it’s general and pretty useless. But maybe I’ll talk about that another time. We will talk more about flirting in another volume, but for now, remember to build the base and then work on creating and maintaining romantic love.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 119
Next Volume of ACM
Alright, that’s about it for this long volume of Attraction Control Monthly. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and learnt a lot from it. And hopefully you will implement some of the exercises we recommended so that you will have less contradictions and conflicts
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 120
within yourself and in your love life. I truly believe that how much we enjoy our lives and feel fulfillment amongst all the problems and concerns life can brings – is directly related to how well you handle your own contradictions. And now I have some exciting news! In the next volume of Attraction Control Monthly, we will talk about a concept that is probably THE most important thing you need to know and understand in order to really increase attraction and increase passion every single day, rather than watching the passion and attraction die day by day, like a lot of couples experience. The next volume of Attraction Control Monthly is called “Every Moment Counts”. It is based on the concept of your neuroassociations.
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 121
The truth is, every moment does count for something, however small or however big. I mean, have you ever been in a place where you felt like the attraction was no longer there? Or perhaps you no longer have an affinity to something that you really liked in the past? Well, here’s the news, it didn’t just happen overnight. It DID NOT happen overnight. What did happen was that the attraction slowly died day by day until one day, you started to become conscious about it, and actually realized that you felt no attraction. So it didn’t suddenly disappear on you, it eroded away bit by bit, day by day. And this happened because of your associations. This is a concept we are extremely passionate about and we both truly believe
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 122
that if you aren’t aware of your associations – you cannot actually have a lasting relationship. So that’s why it is so important for you to understand why “Every Moment Matters” and what you can do to increase the attraction day by day instead of letting it die a slow, painful death. But that’s a story for next month, for now, go and do your exercises, and we will see you again in the next month’s issue of Attraction Control Monthly! Take care now!
Copyright © All Rights Reserved. Page 123
About the Authors Renee Wade World Authority and Leader on Femininity, Love Passion & Intimate Relationships.
What*began*as*a*journey*out*of*incredible*pain*in*her*own*past*relationships* with*men,*became*a*passion*and*a*mission*to*help*other*women*from*across*the* world*show*up*as*higher*value,*higher*status*women.*Through*her*own* struggles,*Renee*found*that*when*you*hold*yourself*as*High*Value*and*High* Status,*you*have*all*the*power*when*it*comes*to*men,*and*you*attract*the* passionate*and*loving*relationship*that*other*women*envy.** Renee’s*blog*“The*Feminine*Woman”*has*reached*and*impacted*the*lives*of*over* half*a*million*women*across*the*world*in*the*matter*of*18*months*and*continues* to*inspire*and*teach*women*today.**** Through*this*process,*she*has*advised*and*coached*many*wellLknown*individuals* and*as*well*as*a*number*of*celebrities,*including*newsreaders,*politicians,* lawyers*and*doctors.* But*it*isn’t*just*a*straight*forward*success*story.*
Copyright*©*2012*–*2020*All*Rights*Reserved.*
Many*years*ago,*Renee*found*herself*in*a*horrible*nightmare.* She*found*herself*lying*on*the*floor*next*to*her*bed,*exhausted*from*crying*for* days*&*nights.*She*had*spent*almost*four*years*with*a*man*who*she*thought*she* had*a*future*with,*but*it*all*turned*out*completely*the*opposite.* It*was*a*moment*where*she*realized*that*the*one*person,*who*was*supposed*to* care*for*her*and*protect*her,*didn’t.*It*was*a*moment*where*she*needed* protection*from*her*man*from*physical*danger,*but*instead,*he*ran*away.* Her*heart*sank,*and*along*with*it*her*hopes*of*that*relationship*ever*working*out.* She*realized*that*she*had*settled*for*much*less*than*what*she*deserved*in*a* relationship.* That*day*was*the*day*Renee*realized*that*she*had*been*living*a*lie,*dating*the* wrong*man,*and*wasting*her*youth*away,*as*well*as*her*life.* Tired*of*blaming*herself,*blaming*him*and*the*situation,*Renee*set*out*to*find* answers.** Why*did*she*attract*that*man*and*that*relationship*into*her*life?*How*could*she* ever*trust*a*man*again?*How*could*she*move*on*from*this*hurtful*and* embarrassing*experience*and*help*other*women*do*the*same?* Renee*didn’t*find*the*answers*to*these*questions*immediately.*Rather,*it*took* many*highLend*seminars,*expensive*multimedia*programs,*painful*trial*and* error,*and*dozens*of*books*to*get*to*where*she*is*now.* Now*she*has*met*the*man*of*her*dreams,*fallen*in*love*and*living*a*secure,* fulfilling*and*exciting*relationship.*No*more*living*in*anxiety,*no*more*living*in* fear,*and*now*Renee*is*on*a*mission*to*take*this*knowledge*and*share*it*with* everyone*she*comes*across!* It*gives*her*ultimate*fulfilment*to*see*you*become*high*value*high*status,*attract* the*man*of*your*dreams*and*be*safe*and*secure*in*that*deeply*committed* relationship.** *
Copyright*©*2012*–*2020*All*Rights*Reserved.*
David Shen Authority & Researcher on Attraction, Commitment & Long Term Intimate Relationships.
Over*the*past*several*years,*David*has*been*obsessed*with*the*theories*and* practice*of*creating*attraction*and*inspiring*commitment*in*intimate* relationships.* Together*with*Renee*for*many*years,*he*has*been*researching*on*these* important*topics*and*has*come*to*some*interesting*conclusions.* He*believes*that*it*is*possible*to*live*your*life*being*in*love*and*having*not*only* excitement*but*security*that*comes*with*a*longLterm*relationship.* He*believes*that*you*deserve*to*attract*a*man*who*doesn’t*just*love*you,*but* worships*you*and*will*take*care*of*you*forever.** It*doesn’t*matter*what*your*background*is,*your*ethnicity,*your*age,*or*your* physical*qualities,*you*can*do*this*because*of*the*feminine*energy*you*that*you* already*have*inside*of*you.** And*it’s*this*feminine*essence*&*energy*that*will*make*men*fall*in*love*with*you.**
Copyright*©*2012*–*2020*All*Rights*Reserved.*
David*believes*that*in*order*for*you*to*become*that*woman*that*men*adore,*are* attracted*to*and*want*to*commit*deeply*to,*you*will*have*to*learn*a*few*key* qualities*and*a*few*key*skills.* You*will*have*to*understand*the*qualities*of*femininity*as*opposed*to* masculinity,*the*qualities*of*emotional*attraction,*and*the*specific*qualities*that* you*need*in*order*to*inspire*commitment*from*men.* David*is*also*a*big*believer*in*having*practical*skills*when*it*comes*to*your* intimate*relationship.*He*believes*you*need*the*skill*of*getting*a*man’s*attention* when*he’s*pulled*away,*the*skill*of*indicating*high*value*and*high*status*instead* of*being*treated*like*a*doormat*girl,*and*the*skill*of*really*connecting*with*men* heart*to*heart.* He*believes*that*every*woman*needs*to*understand*these*qualities*and*have* these*skills*in*their*love*lives.*Without*these,*even*if*you*are*a*celebrity*or* supermodel,*you*will*inevitably*be*heartbroken,*disappointed,*frustrated*and* empty*of*love.* So*David*has*made*it*his*mission*to*spread*the*word*and*share*these*qualities* and*skills*with*all*the*women*he*comes*across.* And*when*there*are*more*quality*relationships*in*this*world,*then*David*is* certain*that*there*will*be*less*violence,*less*suffering,*and*less*child*abuse*and* more*cohesion*in*our*world.* *
Copyright*©*2012*–*2020*All*Rights*Reserved.*
