Good Morning, Glory! Text copyright 2005 Ryan N. Ray Free performance of this play for high school and college level competitive forensics is permitted. All other rights reserved. The Intriguing Interp Series is published by Mushroom Cloud Press Orlando, FL For more information and performance rights, contact Mushroom Cloud Press 278 Leslie Lane Lake Mary, FL 32746
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2 Females (Humorous) Juanita, a narcoleptic Spanish housemaid Glory, a rich and lazy woman
Good Morning, Glory! Juanita: (enters bedroom) Hello? Hello? (Aside) Aye,aye,aye....these Americans! Always sleeping...ah, they are so lazy! I work, they sleep....I work, they eat...I work, they sleep some more...I work, they poooooooo.... (To Her) ooohh, good morning Senora Glory! Shall I get your usual ready for you? (Aside) You filthy cow! Glory: Good morning, Juanita...and a pop tart with some ginger ale doesn’t constitute as my ‘usual’ just because I get it every morning. (Aside) My usual would be a gin and tonic with a spritz of lemon...but since it’s 7am I’ll go with the pop tart and the ginger ale. (To Her) Sure, Juanita...I’ll have my usual. Juanita: I’m sorry Senora, what were you saying? (Aside) I was too busy drowning in the sorrow of your life to hear you. You have it so hard, you know? I mean, look at how good I got it? I get to take care of you for $5 an hour...which includes but is not limited to washing your sheets, cooking your food, and answering your phone...you lazy pig! (To Her) Oh, the usual...coming right up! Glory: Thank you, Juanita. (Aside) It’s good to know that this country is still producing fine, upstanding green-carded citizens like yourself. Glory: Oh, Juanita...did James call? Juanita: James? No Senora, no James... (Aside) It must be one of her man-whores... Glory: Oh well...I guess I’ll talk to him later. Juanita: (Aside) I knew it! A man-whore! Glory: James is one of my well-established clients. We play
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tennis on Tuesdays… (Aside) not to mention he’s one of my...ahem...friendlier partners! Juanita: Shall I check the machine for you? Maybe he did call and I just missed it... (Aside) you know, when I was doing one of your demeaning assignments...like bathing your bichon frisse or cleaning your toilet...with your toothbrush! HAHAHAHA! Glory: No Juanita, that’s quite all right... (Aside) I doubt the controls are espanol friendly, anyway... Juanita:
Ok...but if you change your mind you let me know!
Glory: Oh, don’t you worry about that (Aside) I’m not paying you $5 an hour to sit on your lazy bottom...come to think of it, $5 an hour is way too much for what you do. My gardener does more than that and he doesn’t even get paid! Well unless you count the... Juanita: Senora Glory! Your face! What happened? It’s all blue and splotchy... (Aside) She’s so gullible...I could tell her that a gnome was on her head and she’d believe it! Glory: What? Is something wrong with my face? Oh no! Not my perfect face! I need my mirror! Juanita: It’s in the bathroom, Senora! (Aside) You know, the place I clean every single night once you are done puking your guts out! You could never pay me enough for that job! Glory: Juanita? There’s nothing wrong with my face...were you just messing with me? Juanita: No, Senora Glory...honest! I guess it was just the way the light was hitting your face... (Aside) Ha! I could be a champion at poker...I’m such a good liar! Ha! (Juanita falls asleep) Glory: Juanita? Come here and show me where you saw the splotches. Juanita? (Aside) Oh where is that stupid housemaid when you need her?!? (To her) Juanita! (Sees Juanita has abruptly fallen asleep) Glory: (Aside) Ahaaaah. What a perfect opportunity...(To her) Juanita...wake up. Wake uuuuuuuuuuuuuppppp. I’m going to double your salary...I’ll get you take out from the “House of Tortilla’s.”.....hmmm....I’ve got it! OhmygodJuanitaimmigration
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is here!!! Juanita: (startled) Immigration?!?!?! Where? Hide me, hide me! (says many random phrases in Spanish) Glory! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Juanita: What’s so funny? Where’s immigration! You’ve got to hide me!!! Glory: Hahaha...Immigration’s not coming, Juanita...I was just kidding. You had fallen asleep again...(wipes tears from face) Juanita: Oh...I get it. Let’s poke fun at the Spanish housemaid...what is it? Cinco de Mayo? You think it’s funny to make fun of me because of my heritage? (continues on...never stops) Glory: (Aside) Oh great...here we go...a story from Mexico. Those never get tiring...especially when they’re half in Spanish. Juanita: I’ll have you know that my great grandfather Julio Rico Estephan Bandido Francisco Luis Ricardo Enrique Montoban Pollo Bandido Sanchez came all the way from Mexico City to America by way of donkey...and he never did something as shameful as what you just did...I’m quitting! Glory: What? You can’t quit! (Aside) Who else would let me patronize them in such sarcastic and cynical ways? No one! Juanita: Why? Why can’t I? All I am is some silly Mexican housemaid to you...you don’t appreciate me, you don’t ever say ‘thank you, Juanita,” and you only pay me because you have to! Glory: Juanita...that’s not true! (Aside) Technically if you aren’t a legal US citizen I don’t have to pay you...but who cares about semantics? Juanita: There is absolutely nothing that you could say that would convince me to stay! Nothing! I am a rock...I am immovable. Think of me as a fortress in which nothing could penetrate! I am like a tree with my roots planted firmly...deep into the earth’s core! I am that spot that no matter how many times you clean me...I won’t go away! I am going and there is nothing you can say, do, or bribe me with that would keep me from leaving! Nothing! No BRIBE will stop me. Not even a RAISE would make me stay!
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Glory: Juanita...what if...let’s say...hypothetically... Juanita: Senora Glory, you know I don’t speak French... Glory: Ummm...that’s not French, but whatever...anyway...let’s say...for example...that I were to increase your...wages, perchance, by a quarter an hour? Juanita: No, no way Jose, never! I could never be bought! Your bribes mean nothing to me! Not even 50 cents extra per hour would make me stay...you efforts are wasted on me! Glory: Okay, 50 cents extra an hour... Juanita: I am like stone...I am immovable... Glory: 75 cents... Juanita: Suddenly I feel my stone rolling...like a pebble falling down a hill... Glory: ALL RIGHT! You win, $1 an hour extra! But not a penny more! Are you happy? Come on...tell me you’ll stay! I must know! Juanita: You know you drive a hard bargain Senora Glory...so I guess I’ll stay. $6 is closer to minimum wage...and that’s all right with me.(Aside)For now, you weak-willed jellyfish!!! Haha! Glory: Thank you, Juanita...you have no idea how much it means to me that you are staying (Aside) Considering I would have went as high as $10 an hour...you narcoleptic buffoon! Juanita: I’ll go get your pop-tart… Glory: Juanita…make sure it’s the frosted kind. I don’t like it if it’s not frosted… Juanita: Of course, Senora Glory. (Aside) Like a bee to it’s honey…I will fetch you a pop tart and your ginger ale! Well, more like an Hispanic bee…but a bee nonetheless! (turns to go) Glory: (Aside) If it’s not frosted…so help me you’ll be back on the boat to Mexico so fast your Sombrero will spin! Juanita: Here you go, Senora Glory! Your frosted pop tart and your ginger ale. (Aside) Make sure to eat it all…the odds for choking increase with the amount of food you eat! And I sincerely hope you enjoy the secret ingredient…
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Glory: Thank you. (eats) Mmmm…these pop tarts are sooo sinful. They taste exquisite! It’s amazing how wonderfully delightful they truly are! (Aside) That’s funny…my stomach just turned…but how can that be? Pop Tarts have never done this to me before… Juanita: Is something wrong, Senora Glory? Glory: No, no…everything’s fine… (gets stomach cramp). Actually, I think I have to go to the bathroom… Juanita: Ha! That’s what you get for firing me, you silly woman! Glory: But Glory, I hired you back with a raise, remember? Juanita: You know us Mexicans…how sneaky we can be! We won the Alamo, remember? Remember? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Glory: What are you talking about Juanita? What did you do to the pop-tart? Juanita: I laced it with juice from one of the hottest peppers in the world! It can melt the lining off a cow’s stomach! Have fun! Glory: But Juanita, why? Where are you going? Juanita: I cannot take it anymore…$6 is no way to make a living. Glory: But where will you go for work? Juanita: To the most successful, esteemed, honorable, and dignified place I could possibly work… Glory: And where is that? Juanita: Taco King…ever since they dropped the Chihuahua as their mascot they’ve been looking for someone to fill those shoes! Glory: You’re going to be the mascot for Taco King!?!?!?! Juanita: Yes…and it will be glorious! $6.50 an hour and all the chalupas I can eat! Adios, Senora Glory! Glory: But Senora Glory…oh darnit! Where’s my phone…ah!
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(picks up phone…dials operator) Operator…get me Mexico City, Mexico please…I need a new housemaid!!! Oh, and after that…could you kindly connect me to immigration?
End
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